Im on the Up and up.

I just dont know... I mean I try to be a good person and understand everyone
but maybe its just me and I suck at understanding people.

I seriously just dont know.

I think that people underestimate us teenagers. We do a pretty good job at messing up life. Well we dont mess it up but we sure do get upset and hurt alot.

At being upset and hurt I am the princess. Only second to those drama queens in hollywood and such.

Kaitlyn and I had a really good talk today and it was well needed. Some really upsetting and very God questioning things came up and I really needed a sholder to cry on. I was really needing Gods peace to calm my self to understand what is happening. In the words of Relient K:

I Am Understood?

Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you
To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
This version of myself
I try to hide behind
I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified

And sometimes I'm so thankful for your loyalty
Your love regardless of
The mistakes I make will spoil me
My confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me
And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need

[Chorus]
You looked into my life and never stopped
And you're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
And you recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
You let me know, I am understood

And sometimes I spend my time
Just trying to escape
I work so hard so desperately, in an attempt to create space
Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know
I see your love, then turn my back and beg for you to go

[Chorus]

You're the only one who understands completely
You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely

And sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words
If I think of something worthy I know that its already yours
And through the times I've faded and you've outlined me again
You've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then

[Chorus]

The noise has broken my defense
Let me embrace salvation
Your voice has broken my defense
Let me embrace salvation

This is how my life is going at this point. I am really having a hard time of letting things go and just giving them to God. I hold on to problems figuring that I can fix them all I need is a little space. It seems that I fail every time but that is expected seings how I am useless without God. I am so stuborn and selfish alot of the time that I have tunnel vision toward all the help in this world and it seems all I want to do is just look at the problem and stress over it. I feel so helpless, like im caught in a glass box the only option left is to break the glass and really asess the problem.

A verse I really like,
// You're the only one who understands completely
You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely//
This is how it really is I feel like I have all these bad thoughts and horrible things stiring in me but God does and he understands and just has compassion. I know that I couldnt be this accepting in a million years and he can just as quickly understand as you need the understanding in the first place.

"Up and up" Relient K
Yesterday
Is not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today
With every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more

Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history and what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day
Is sometimes hard to see (what you see)
And though I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is
Where I'll be

Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
A better version of me
For you

To be prosperous
Would not require much of me
You see contentment is the one thing
It entails
To be content with where I am
And getting where I need to be
I'm moving past the past
Where I have failed

But I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
Right there at the end
Is where I'll be
Oh

[Chorus]

You never cease
To supply me with
What I need
For a good life
So when I'm down
I'll hold my head up high
Cause you're the reason why

[Chorus]

I really like this song. For its lyrics and its tune. The part that sticks out to me the most is
"Cause I'm just trying to be//A better version of me// For you"

I have a really bad habit of trying to be someone or something different for everyone so that everyone will accept me and like me. THIS IS VERY WRONG. If you do this stop. You are not being fair to others by hiding your really self and being unfair yourself most importantly by not letting your real self (which lots of people will accept) out.

So Please pray my friends and I are going through a rough patch right now.
Letting go,
Jenny

P.S. sorry this is so dreary and long (and probably boring). I will make the next blog more happier.
P.P.S. Thanks Kaitlyn and Danae for listening and being there. You mean the world to me.